Well I assume my computer has an issue with blogger because its not letting me upload photos and I am backlogged on things I wanted to post like Tv show reviews, game reviews, and funnies. Oh well. Since I don't keep any personal feelings or information on facebook I guess I can here. This thing is now just a text journal and I don't want to get rid of it. So where to start? Well life is great as I am very lucky as a person, or in my own belief, blessed by god. I am totally lost as always but I don't feel like I will never find the answer because I know its waiting for me. I have no idea what to do for a career. I am not looking to become a millionaire or famous. Simplicity will make me happy. I enjoy my job now because its easy, good experience, decent pay, and I work with really great people that are very friendly and joke with me on a personal level. That kind of joking is usually done with friends but sadly I am short on those these days.
I gave up on my best friend recently. It broke my heart to do so but how long can you keep holding out your hand to help before your arm feels like its going to fall off? I couldn't do it any longer, and for someone in as poisonous of a marriage that he is, its only going to end very badly and I just don't want to, or can't bare to see that happen to the one person I connect with like no one else. Change sucks, it hits hard right where it hurts the most. All last year I have been dreaming of being back here at home and that dream was just was it was: A dream. Its nothing like I imagined. Its just depressing and sad around here. However, I am glad to be back and I know God put me here for a reason.
I've never talked about this before because I have been so confused on this that I have screwed up every relationship I have ever had the in the past. Funny thing is, I am the last guy all of my ex's have dated before getting married to the next one. I'm like that Dane Cook movie but far less attractive than him and I won't find the girl I am meant to be with most likely. Oh I know people will say there's someone out there for everyone, or there are soul mates. I have never believed in that. I have never believed in that because I found mine a long time ago, and I lost her. So if they truly exist, I am SOL. I've been so lost and confused that I've ignored it all of these years. Ever since I've returned home the feelings have flooded through me and thats when I finally knew for sure. I am still so sure about this, but I don't want to be anymore. I've been in love with that girl for over ten years now. That is the reason all of my past relationships have failed, well that, and I am an ass but you get the picture. I've never publicy discussed this before but I don't care anymore. I have plenty of opportunities to meet new women and possibly go on dates, and I have tried but nothing is changing in me and nothing ever will. I have never pictured myself married, with kids, in a nice home, white picket fence, working 9-5. That life was never meant for me but with her, I have seen that future and it never scares me. Why does that not terrify me when I have seen the ugly side of Marriage? I will never know. But how is someone who has not seen you in ten years supposed to believe that? It's insanity. Well the answers are out there waiting for me to discover them at the right time, this I know.
Now I have decided to give up trying to claim a fantasy. I don't care about making new friends and I don't care about where I end up. I am taking better care of myself and I am becoming more active and I am going to be traveling in my spare time to ride bike trails all over my state. You know I have been back and forth across this country and I have never seen most of my own damn state. It is time that has changed. I have a list of bike trails all over this state and as I save up the gas money I will ride them all. No this is not a bucket list thing because I don't give a damn if I die next year. I am doing this because it is something I can do that make me very happy. Writing makes me happy, but I can't do it. Music makes me very happy, but again, I can't do it. Traveling and seeing new places, makes me very happy and thats what I am going to do until the big man tells me its time for something else. Well sorry my blogger has become quite boring, but until I can upload photos, what the hell else am I supposed to do? Thanks for reading, stay tuned for more.. of what.. I have no idea!
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